Ok, best just to push this out to the world once and for all and be done. This blog is a little raw as I wrote it with a million emotions raging so you are now forewarned. Two weeks ago my feet both went numb so I tried, as I had before to work on my spinal alignment which seemed to help in the past. This time it didn't not help, and after about ten days it actually got worse to the point where my legs went numb all the way up to my navel. I won't lie, it had me pretty shaken up. I had a pretty good idea what was going on...
On December 23rd, 2012 I started having a sensation so anytime I looked down a zinger would shoot down my back to my feet. I guessed that I had a pinched nerve due to holiday stress and couldn't see anyone about what was going on until after the holidays. I went and talked to my Dr once we were back from Christmas travels and she mentioned it might be MS. What I had was L'Hermitees Sign which is very much an indicator of MS but I had hope that wasn't the case. She didn't push me to get scans and let me work through things on my own. My massage therapist at the time as well as another chiropractor all agreed MS was a possibility. Jan 6th I saw a chiropractic specialist that a friend and my accupunturist both recommended. Over the next couple of months the stingers went away, the mild numbness I had had in my hands off and on since I was pregnant with Joshua went away once and for all, and I thought hmm maybe it was just structural after all. Added bonus, he got my back and hip mostly patched back up so I could run again.
That story and a talk about alternative medicine options I will save for another day. Fast forward to July 5th. I went out for a bike ride with my husband, who is a total animal on a road bike. It was my first big training ride with hopes of picking up the pieces of my second crappy triathlon season in a row. I was ready to race again, but pretty sure I was going to get dropped and as Joe was pulling ahead I got distracted and crashed into a trail endpost and flipped over the handle bars. Almost no road rash to speak of so I was really luck to just be banged up and have a cracked helmet. Afterwards I rode the four miles back to my folks place because I am apparently delusionally tough headed. Turns out my aerobars and the asphalt had a much deeper impact in this case. I was black and blue all over for a couple of months and the numbness in my feet started trickling back into my life.
This time I was not as lucky. Every time I swam my feet would tingle, which I have to say really sucks because swimming and yoga have always been my fall back activities. It persisted and my chiro recommended going in for an MRI, so back to last week. On Monday I saw my regular doc and she gets me in for an MRI of my cervical spine (well that isn't what she ordered but that is what they did anyway.) I was grateful that scan was in the 'open' MRI which is really only wider instead of a tube. The results weren't great. A plaque showed up on my spine (damage from the disease to my nervous system) and I was able to get a super quick appointment into see my fourth neurologist in three years (again another story for another day) and he agreed more scans were needed as I was showing other symptoms.
So back into the tube they sent me for a head and spine MRI with contrast. This time the scan was on Friday morning and I had to wait until Tuesday to see the neurologist. He confirmed my fears once and for all. I have Multiple Sclerosis... that is right folks good 'ol MS. (For more information on MS see the end of this blog )I believe I told my Dr when she asked how I was doing with the news "that is really fucked up!" Let me be honest here... I am scared to death right now. I am afraid I will be a burden on my family before it is my time to burden them. I am afraid I will end up with one of the two kinds of MS that don't really respond to medications. (Right now my Doc says I have RRMS which is the best kind to have if there is a good kind) I want to curl up in a ball and wail and curse the heaven's "why me?"
But not today... I honestly am surprised really. Three days into the diagnosis that I have a chronic, currently incurable disease, I am like bullshit if I am going to let this drag me down. I am surprised at how well I am taking things. I am at awe at the support family, friends, my triathlon team and even strangers have given me. I am reading and reading and reading. My neurolgist opened his cabinet and started handing me booklets 6" deep to read by tomorrow. There are more and more treatment options for MS available every year. How the hell I am going to figure out which one is best for me by 10am tomorrow morning I have no idea, so instead of reading more, I am writing this blog.
So why blog about it? Success starts in my mind, and for me healing begins with sharing what is on my mind, ironically about what is going on in my mind. I am lucky because this is a potentially manageable illness. There are promising studies and research going on that lead me to have hope they will find a cure for MS in my lifetime. I can do this!! So what do I need from all of you? Don't tell me you are sorry because I certainly don't need a pity party and quite frankly sorry comes across as a negative word to me. I have hope that I can manage this illness and not let it define me. I will need your love, your kind words, and probably for you to tell me to suck it up and keep on marching when I have down days, or hard days and get discouraged and lose sight of my courage.
Be kind to my family who are also struggling with the ramifications of my illness. I thank the higher power that I have my parents and most of all my husband who I can tell is as terrified as I am, but loves me so much I am tearing up as I write this because I am so very grateful to have these people in my life. So I don't know what the future holds but I know I am going to kick MSs butt and come out better on the other side. So with that I am going to hit the rack since I have a big day tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
http://www.nationalmssociety.org/What-is-MS Be kind to my family who are also struggling with the ramifications of my illness. I thank the higher power that I have my parents and most of all my husband who I can tell is as terrified as I am, but loves me so much I am tearing up as I write this because I am so very grateful to have these people in my life. So I don't know what the future holds but I know I am going to kick MSs butt and come out better on the other side. So with that I am going to hit the rack since I have a big day tomorrow. Thanks for listening.
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