This week has been a lot.
Honestly the last nine months have been a lot with tons of work travel
and responsibilities. More to do than I
can possibly get done at home and at work.
Today, right now, I am supposed to be in Clear Lake do a triathlon. I’ve struggled with what to do all week. First with lordy it’s going to be dangerously
cold on the swim with water temps around 62 and air temps around 50. I knew there was no recipe for success just
to get through the swim, which is always a challenge for me, not for the
swimming part as that is usually my best leg, but for the cold part. It always leaves me gasping and last year I
ended up doing most of it back stroke.
Thursday the race team following USAT rules decided the swim was going
to be unsafe and opted to change the tri into a du which meant two runs and a
bike. One level of stress down.
That would have been fine however Wednesday I went home part
way through the day as I just felt really off emotionally and physically. Last
week Abby had left for her summer job and I am missing her pretty hard this
week. Monday, I onboarded some new interns which can be overwhelming especially
when I haven’t had time to work up our summer task list yet. Tuesday, I had a
dr appointment where I really didn’t feel heard related to all thing perimenopause.
And by Wednesday midday I was spent. I
went home and spent the afternoon emotionally finishing a book. By Wednesday evening an MS flare had caught
up with me and my left arm and leg were on fire.
Most of the time when people look at me, they would have no
idea that I’m struggling with an incurable but mostly manageable chronic
illness. I work hard to stay fit and
take care of my family, but my MS can have a mind of its own and it forces me
to take care of me. This was one of
those weeks. I can usually tell I am
overdoing it when Dysesthesia (an abnormal sensation, often described as
a burning or prickling pain, that is triggered by nerve damage) kicks in. It feels like I have a bad sunburn that won’t
go away. I also have neuropathy with
pins and needles in my hands and feet.
Both come and go or are more intense anyway, when I have been overdoing
it. The Dysesthesia has been with me for
a couple of weeks but intensifying to the point the last couple of days my
topical nerve cream and Tylenol have been my saving grace. Things touching my skin like my shirt and
shoes hurts, swimming every time my arm goes in the water hurts. Most of the time I just ignore it as it is
kind of naggy but not very intense.
With the flare
kicking in Wednesday, it also meant my mobility was challenged as flares make
my left hand and leg does not want to do what the rest of me wants to do. It is one of the few times people can tell I
am struggling with my disability as my gait will be off, and my use of my hand
may look not quite right. Thursday I was
feeling pretty low, but the universe must have known I needed some love. One of my favorite racing friends reached out
to see if I was racing this weekend, and two of my good friends reached out to
see what my plans were for my birthday on Sunday and lifted my spirits. By Friday
morning the flare was starting to subside, but I was still struggling with a
fair bit of pain, but I went about gathering gear and making plans to still
race.
Clear Lake Tri last year
Friday night sitting on the couch with my honey I decided to
factor in the rest of my weekend into my decisions. Getting up at 4:30 in the morning to drive up
to Clear Lake and race. Spending almost
3 hours racing and then driving back home were looking like a daunting
task. My training focus has been mostly
gearing up for my first marathon in June, so this race was not high on my
priority list, but I had been looking forward to challenging myself and seeing
my race friends. I know there will be more
races, and this was at best a B or C race in my overall plan, so I opted to
pull out.
My activities for the weekend also include babysitting Steve’s adorable
grandson Bodie who is two on Sunday (I am BG - bonus grammy). Sunday is also my 51st
birthday. Since I plan to spend time
with family and friends and have more than enough activities here to keep me
busy like finishing planting our garden, getting the house painting restarted,
and working on my huge pile of books.
Those activities this weekend feel like time better spent, and
emotionally/physically what I need to be doing this weekend.
So, this blog isn’t about asking for sympathy, but about
being honest with myself about the limitations MS puts on me sometimes. There will always be more races, and for as
long as I am able, I will be toeing the start lines with my friends, but I know
it’s okay to step back. This isn’t the
first race I’ve DNS and probably won’t be my last and I am okay with that, but
I will keep showing up when I am able.
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| Me at the finish line last year With my honey Steve. |
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