The Feels, Crawling Towards the Light

Lately I've been pretty introspective.  Challenges and changes in my life have been stressing me out and I find myself sad, frustrated or over critical of myself.  

Am I doing everything I can for my kids? Am I volunteering enough, feeding them right, keeping them away from too much screen time, making sure I spend enough time with them?  Keeping them from over allocating themselves?  Am I providing a nurturing environment? Do they have enough gratitude?

Am I doing my best to move my projects forward at work?  Am I being a good mentor?  Am I doing enough outreach in my geospatial community?  Am I communicating my personal career goals to myself and my leadership?




Am I being a good partner?  Am I creating too much of a burden for my partner, friends and family?  Do I ask too much or not enough?  Am I being a good friend to the people and family that mean the most to me?

Am I managing the money I have for the right things?  Does it make sense to find a second job?  Does it make sense to turn part of my home into an income space? What do I need to do to meet my financial goals?

Am I taking care of myself?  Do I need to keep seeing a counselor to talk through things?  How broken am I today?  Am I getting enough quality sleep?  Am I getting enough exercise?  Am I staying away from the foods I know make me feel crappy?  Am I making downtime so I can rest?  Am I making time for friends and fun?  Am I doing my part to make the world a better place?  What do I want to be when I grow up (life goals)?

These are the many questions that some days make me want to go back home and crawl into bed.  But I don't... I get up and put on my best face.  I download my insecurities to my closest friends and my counselor but letting them also know I am okay because I acknowledge I do not have all the answers, and I make mistakes, and I am a bit broken but I feel good about who I am and where I am going even if sometimes I am VERY impatient with myself.

Last night I went to an Indigo Girls concert.  It was money spent I really didn't have but I wanted to take the three most important people to me (who aren't blood relations) out to do something that would lighten our loads and be fun.  The great thing about the IG is that they are wonderful story tellers, and wise women.  There were several songs they sang that talked about embracing the light.  From Prince of Darkness "I tried to make this place my place, I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face, But I'll tell you My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark (By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)"

Another song that caught my ear was It's Alright "And for everything I learn there are two I don't understand, That's why I'm still on a search through the weather strewn church, I'm doing the best I can and it's alright, And it's alright though we worry and fuss, we can't get over the hump or get over us, It seems easier to push than to let go and trust but it's alright, When we get a little distance some things get clearer"

So I continue to wander down the path with a vision of where I want to go, but no clear idea of the steps to take to get there.  So sometimes I get jammed up pushing things along when I should really let go and trust that the small decisions along the way really will be fine.




I know I am pretty lucky (and extremely grateful) I have a wonderful family and extended family who have been with me from the start.  I have a handful of really amazing friends who get me and love me and pick me up when I feel like lying down on the ground and letting the river of life flow over me.  

This past year has made me more humble I hope, and probably not less stubborn, however more willing to ask for and receive help, and more accepting of others and the things they are fighting through (still working on that part with my ex but it helps my honey give me good perspective.)

                                                                          So I leave you with a few things I am grateful for... I am grateful for the hardships

Which reminds me of the Andy Grammer song I wish you pain "It's hard to say
But I wish you pain, I love you more than you could even know, Been here before and I just wanna see you grow"
I am grateful for a good job, a nice house, the ability to support my family and take care of us even when times feel tight.  I am grateful for the adventures we get to have together.  I am grateful to have an amazing love that is helping me grow into the person I want to become and growing with me.  I am grateful for the nature Iowa provides (despite the weather) with beautiful sunrises and sunsets, trees, stars in the night sky, and the promise of another day. So I leave you with the quote (above left) and ask you to be kind to each other, and support each other, and love, because tomorrow is another day and we can try again.

As always, thanks for reading.