The Feels, Crawling Towards the Light

Lately I've been pretty introspective.  Challenges and changes in my life have been stressing me out and I find myself sad, frustrated or over critical of myself.  

Am I doing everything I can for my kids? Am I volunteering enough, feeding them right, keeping them away from too much screen time, making sure I spend enough time with them?  Keeping them from over allocating themselves?  Am I providing a nurturing environment? Do they have enough gratitude?

Am I doing my best to move my projects forward at work?  Am I being a good mentor?  Am I doing enough outreach in my geospatial community?  Am I communicating my personal career goals to myself and my leadership?




Am I being a good partner?  Am I creating too much of a burden for my partner, friends and family?  Do I ask too much or not enough?  Am I being a good friend to the people and family that mean the most to me?

Am I managing the money I have for the right things?  Does it make sense to find a second job?  Does it make sense to turn part of my home into an income space? What do I need to do to meet my financial goals?

Am I taking care of myself?  Do I need to keep seeing a counselor to talk through things?  How broken am I today?  Am I getting enough quality sleep?  Am I getting enough exercise?  Am I staying away from the foods I know make me feel crappy?  Am I making downtime so I can rest?  Am I making time for friends and fun?  Am I doing my part to make the world a better place?  What do I want to be when I grow up (life goals)?

These are the many questions that some days make me want to go back home and crawl into bed.  But I don't... I get up and put on my best face.  I download my insecurities to my closest friends and my counselor but letting them also know I am okay because I acknowledge I do not have all the answers, and I make mistakes, and I am a bit broken but I feel good about who I am and where I am going even if sometimes I am VERY impatient with myself.

Last night I went to an Indigo Girls concert.  It was money spent I really didn't have but I wanted to take the three most important people to me (who aren't blood relations) out to do something that would lighten our loads and be fun.  The great thing about the IG is that they are wonderful story tellers, and wise women.  There were several songs they sang that talked about embracing the light.  From Prince of Darkness "I tried to make this place my place, I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face, But I'll tell you My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark (By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)"

Another song that caught my ear was It's Alright "And for everything I learn there are two I don't understand, That's why I'm still on a search through the weather strewn church, I'm doing the best I can and it's alright, And it's alright though we worry and fuss, we can't get over the hump or get over us, It seems easier to push than to let go and trust but it's alright, When we get a little distance some things get clearer"

So I continue to wander down the path with a vision of where I want to go, but no clear idea of the steps to take to get there.  So sometimes I get jammed up pushing things along when I should really let go and trust that the small decisions along the way really will be fine.




I know I am pretty lucky (and extremely grateful) I have a wonderful family and extended family who have been with me from the start.  I have a handful of really amazing friends who get me and love me and pick me up when I feel like lying down on the ground and letting the river of life flow over me.  

This past year has made me more humble I hope, and probably not less stubborn, however more willing to ask for and receive help, and more accepting of others and the things they are fighting through (still working on that part with my ex but it helps my honey give me good perspective.)

                                                                          So I leave you with a few things I am grateful for... I am grateful for the hardships

Which reminds me of the Andy Grammer song I wish you pain "It's hard to say
But I wish you pain, I love you more than you could even know, Been here before and I just wanna see you grow"
I am grateful for a good job, a nice house, the ability to support my family and take care of us even when times feel tight.  I am grateful for the adventures we get to have together.  I am grateful to have an amazing love that is helping me grow into the person I want to become and growing with me.  I am grateful for the nature Iowa provides (despite the weather) with beautiful sunrises and sunsets, trees, stars in the night sky, and the promise of another day. So I leave you with the quote (above left) and ask you to be kind to each other, and support each other, and love, because tomorrow is another day and we can try again.

As always, thanks for reading.

Tough decisions and major changes

Joe and I have been together for 22 years with a lot of ups and downs.  I have been pretty private here about our time together because we’ve had good days and bad days and if I’m being honest the struggles never seemed appropriate to share here.  We’ve been through two rounds of heavy counseling together over the years as well as individual counseling but never could get to the part where we could come together enough. Through all the ups and downs of 22 years we have both changed, grown apart, become less tolerant.  


We have lived in three states (four if you count the first six weeks we spent together), working to raise two kiddos (and cats, dogs, lizard, goats and chickens), riding through the waves of different jobs good and bad.  In December the hard decision was made to dissolve our marriage. While it continues to be a painful, stressful time for our family we both agree we probably should have done this a while ago. What this means for us is separating the household into two with the kids going back and forth each week.  Moving into two new homes and saying goodbye to the acreage we all love. And most of all, depending on all the people who care for us to help us navigate the path ahead.

We are making this change amicably and with the best interest of our family in mind, and we are both determined to be better coparents than we have been partners.  So we ask of you not to pick sides as we will always be a family even if we are not sharing a home. Help us by listening to our sad stories and remind us that the sadness will lift with time, make us laugh, pull us out of the house when it's our week alone, remind us to be grateful and that we are loved.

This dissolution may not be like others as we are still in the same house as we work through the financial changes needed. We are making decisions together and trying our best to be kind and supportive to each other.  Please do not share your divorce horror stories or try to push us into choices you would make as we are taking our own path. We are going to need help moving (two times) and hope that the dust will have settled by August so we can establish our new normal.

So moving forward if you have questions ask them, we don’t want you to feel sorry for us or try to change our minds.  If you want to help or listen then check in, help us lighten the load for the kids if you are able. They are doing pretty good with all of this so far but the hard days are still ahead.  Just know we are grateful to have your support in whatever capacity you can provide.

As always thanks for reading.

Shawn and Joe

Race Report Shawn - Bluff Creek Olympic Triathlon - August 10th

Teammate Christian and I prerace

Bluff Creek Triathlon at Don Williams Park north of Ogden has been one of my favorite races for a while now.  I have done the course twice as a sprint and once as a almost Olympic.  The swim was cut short in 2011 due to water temps being very cold as the race used to be in May.  This is also a very similar course to the one Iowa Games Triathlon used to run in the same park which I did several times before they moved it to Easter Lake.

Out of the water

This was the first Olympic distance race (1500yd swim, 25 mile bike, and 6.2 mile run) that I have done in a couple of years for a variety of reasons, so I have to say I was more nervous than usual going into this one.  My prerace prep could have been a little better starting with learning the swim course.  I didn’t realize that there was one buoy we could not see from the beach so when some folks started cutting away from the buoy line to take a more direct route I did not and it probably cost me, according to my GPS almost 200 yards of swimming.  I felt like I had a strong swim but course disorientation had me all muddled.  I also forgot to spray my goggles with anti-fog yet again.  I considered taking on nutrition before the swim but opted not to and that was a series of nutrition based errors that cost me some functionality throughout the race.

The Olympic bike course is a bit notorious.  You can Google Twister Hill (first down and first up) and get a feel for what I mean.  There is a 3.5 mile N/S straightaway to start the ride with some gentle rolling hills and then the course turns right into Pilot Mound.  It continues for another two miles and then the "Hill" sign comes into view and seems like a giant understatement.  The downhill going out felt steep and is shorter than the uphill across from it.  I didn’t brake going down and at the bottom the road curves to the right before you cross a bridge and climb up the other side which bends to the right.  The Specialized Alias I am riding from Kyle’s Bikes didn’t quite have enough gears to keep me spinning comfortably up this hill and I had a couple of guys go by me as I was working the hill including teammate Christian.  

Once I got to the top the course levels out a little bit and then curves to the right some more and throws a few more smaller rollers at you.  It also threw some headwind at us for a couple of miles which we encountered again for the last three miles of the ride.  Then we turn around and repeat the bike course in reverse.  Taking on Twister hill from the other direction is a bit more exciting because you are coming down it and around a curve at the same time so you can’t see the bottom right away.  I looked at my watch this time and nearly broke 45 mph and that was after I tapped the brake so I could check my speed.  I had to give a little whoot before we bounced across the bridge at the bottom and the nutrition I had planned for the other side of the valley flew out of my top tube bag.  I was bummed and opted against foraging in the bag for something else as things had been there a while.  So I tried pushing the EFS I had in my one water bottle hoping it would be enough to get me going on the run.  All and all my bike time was faster than when I raced the course in 2011 by three minutes.

Smiling at the start of the run while wrangling my sleeves

Joshua and I with an icy cool down

Going into the run I felt like I had prepared for the muggy warm weather by bringing my Pearl Izumi cooling shrug.  It was prewet in a little cooler in transition and was an adventure to get on but seemed to help  It is supposed to be able to drop skin temperature by up to 5 degrees so long as you keep it wet.  My husband also offered to come hang out on the course with ice water and ice for me at the run turnaround as the run is a loop you run twice.  I walked through the water stops which totaled four and drank a cup and poured a cup.  They only offered Heed for electrolytes which is nasty stuff so I didn’t take anything except water and didn’t grab a gel in T2 since I was distracted by the shrug.  The heat and humidity had me stymied despite Joe bringing me ice and my wearing my cooling sleeves, which I was able to keep wet.  I actually got dizzy and had chills going up the hill into mile 4 so I walked as well as around 5.5 miles.  I am sure it is combination of needing more longer runs under my belt, only having one run last week while on vacation, and not getting enough nutrition on the course.  

Pays to show up and do the race.
My teammates all age group winners.

In the end my run time was 14 minutes slower than my run time in 2011.  I try not to think of myself as limited by my MS so I am going to chalk this race up to a larger nutrition and training malfunction.  My favorite part about this weekend’s race was finishing and having a group of people cheering me across the line.  I was the only lady in my division at the Olympic length so despite having a time that was 11 minutes slower than my previous slowest Olympic race time I still got first place in my age group and a nifty pint glass with the race logo on it.  I guess sometimes it pays to show up and get things done no matter how much they challenge you

.

What my watch told me after my training run on Wed.  I believe!

My stats: Swim time: 30 minutes, T1 1:22, Bike 1:29.51 (three minutes faster than the last time I rode this course), T2 1:15, Run 1:09.54 (14 minutes slower than the last time I ran this course) Overall Time 03:12:28.7 (Previous slowest Olympic time was 3:01 so I have a lot of room to improve).

I big shout out to my sponsor Kyle’s Bikes and discounttrisupply.com as well as the Kyle’s Bike team and my Triathlon Racers of Iowa teammates.  My next race is The Hy-Vee Olympic Triathlon August 31st so come cheer me on in Des Moines.  

I worked with my personal trainer on Wednesday and lamented my story to him. First thing he told me is it is just one race and that I should let go the of the disappointing run.

After he got down making me work for my time he gave me two run workouts. One to help me build my distance (a slow easy 7 miler for this weekend) and a step tempo workout which I did Thursday morning.

It was a glorous "fall" morning with the sun not yet over the horizon and a lovely 58 degrees when I left the house. The plan, a warm up mile easy and then two sets of hard two milers with a 4 minute walk in the middle the goal holding a 10 minute mile tempo.

I did the first mile in 11:50 (good for me as I usually go out too hard) first two miler hard at a 9:11 pace mile 4 minute walk and then second two miler hard at a 9:30 minute pace, so not only did I get to my real goal pace I managed to talk my body into going fast for four miles. With a little conservative focused over the next two weeks I might just be able to get a decent run in when I do the Hy-Vee triathlon on the 31st. Feeling better about things now.

MS ... sometime it just sucks.

Well another busy weekend and fun trip playing hooky to Kansas City and now the body has had enough.  But before that here is a health update.  Last week I had my labs run, my first mammogram (clean), and an annual physical with my regular doctor.  I always do this around my birthday so I remember.  As it turns out my MS meds are adversely affecting my blood counts.

From my drug company's website possible side effects: "Blood problems. You may have a drop in the levels of infection-fighting blood cells, red blood cells or cells that help to form blood clots. If the drop in levels is severe, it can lessen your ability to fight infections, make you feel tired or sluggish or cause you to bruise or bleed easily."  I am feeling sluggish, bruising easily, and my white blood count has dropped to half what is was but I am still clotting ok (the new kitten has been testing that for me).  As my dad pointed out (he used to be a drug rep) that so long as the white blood cells I have work right that I can still stay healthy.  I just plan to steer clear of contagious people.

I had been having abdominal pain much of last week leading up to my appointment and with my labs being monitored already my doctor worked on the side of caution.  I spent Friday afternoon sitting in the clinic reception drinking horrible goop and waiting.  I had a CT scan with contrast and then had to wait some more to make sure I didn't need surgery for appendicitis.  It ended up being nine hours without food but I got through it and it turned out it wasn't my appendix it was a ruptured cyst on my ovary.  Apparently I have a family history of these and they resolve themselves over time but can make a person highly uncomfortable.  My doctor called my on her afternoon off to give me the results.

I have to give my primary care doctor, Dr B a big kuddos.  She is about my age and has been incredibly supportive of my health care needs for the last six years.  I asked her why she didn't press me a year ago to have MS testing and she said she likes to let people run through their course of options.  I appreciate her listening to me about my thyroid and where I feel best with my test numbers.  I appreciate that she moved her schedule around to tell me herself that I have MS and offered to be there for any questions or needs I might have related to things I might experience on this journey.  It makes me feel better to know she and her awesome nurse have my back.  You should know I struggle with mainstream medicine because I feel that MDs are traditionally trained around pharmaceuticals and symptom treatment, and do not get the training they need to look at the big picture and troubleshoot the root cause of people's issues.  I have three years of experiences with neurologist who couldn't diagnose my root problem because I passed all their tests but still had unexplained issues.  Anyway stories for another day, so it is a big deal that I appreciate my primary care physician.

So what have I been up to?  Well, Saturday morning I had an awesome time being "coach Shawn" to a group of 25 - 9 and 10 year olds learning about triathlon.  It was super fun and I plan to help out again in a few weeks.  Hopefully Abby can come with me next time as she wants to do a triathlon this summer too.  Then I raced up to Ames to watch Abby play in her last regular season soccer game.  Her team has REALLY improved over the last few weeks and I am really proud of the progress of Abby and her teammates.  They had soccer tryouts for next year and I wish each and everyone of them the best as they fragment onto new teams next year.  Most of them have been playing together since first grade.  Saturday afternoon we had our Girl Scout potluck... my sketchy narrowing in one dates left a few people confused but we had a nice time with the families that came.  The girls picked the badges they want to work on next year.  Now to spend the summer working on getting one or two helpers so I don't have to do it all myself.

My mom and husband (although he now says he isn't going to say anything to me about my scheduling) keep giving me a hard time about doing too much.  But the thing is somethings keep me going.  Like coaching these kids in triathlon, doing triathlon clinics, and most of the time leading my Girl Scout troop especially at camp.  It makes my heart sing... and while not required activities they are things I enjoy... it is the required activities that drag me down (getting the kids out the door in the morning, cleaning my piles of crap up... etc.) so keep up with the gentle reminders to slow down, but remember I need the heart sing opportunities too...

Sunday Joe and I dropped the kids off with my folks for almost a week.  On the way home we talked about running away to Kansas City to try to take in a Royals game.  Even though the weather was to be sketchy Monday night we decided to go.  It poured Monday night and Tuesday morning, but we shopped and giggled and had a lot of much needed carefree fun.  We even went and ran three miles together on a trail across from our hotel in the pouring rain.  We almost never run together and it was a fast, fun run for me and my heart sang.

I have to say though that it all caught up with me this afternoon.  After two hours in the car Sunday, four hours on Monday, six hours on Tuesday (had to go to Des Moines to pick up Joe from work) my body is saying that is enough.  So while I wanted to go pick up the free bricks to line my new as of yet unplanted garden bed, and mow the more than ankle deep front yard before going on my first triracers Ames ride of the season... my body did boycott and the only thing I managed to do this afternoon was take a quiet nap for an hour, eat the dinner Joe made for us, and write this blog (while Joe mowed the front yard and then played with the super energetic kitten) which is a major effort to type.  So I am going to head to bed and hope tomorrow leaves me with more energy so I don't have to let myself down again... and can keep up with my kids when my folks bring them back tomorrow.

I just want to say I appreciate you all.  I had several people tell me today they are impressed with how I handle this illness, and while I shed a few quiet tears today, I try to continue to be that person you all believe I am.  As always... thanks for reading.  Remember if you are willing and able... please consider a donation to my MS Bike ride next week.  I will get it done even if it takes me all morning...   Shawn's Bike MS fundraising page

30 Day Challenge - Day 8

•Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad ( wrote most of this on the 8th day but posted on the 9th)

Ok,I am going to get on my environmental soap box for this one.

Photos that make me sad usually have something to do with misuse of the Earth by humankind. Ignorance is bliss simply doesn't cut it for me anymore.

Things I find worrisome... toxic chemicals in our toys, our furniture, our clothes, our cleaning products, our personal care products, our canned foods, our foods that aren't grown in a sustainable way with less invasive herbicides, pesticides, etc. All these things go into our systems and viola... high rates of cancer and other illnesses popping up everywhere.

http://www.seql.org/100ways.cfm

Then there is our need to consume... gasoline, electronics, plastic and things covered with plastic, Styrofoam and think not a minute about what the consequences are of this petroleum based need.... that is until there is an Exxon Valdez or a Deepwater Horizon... or some unrest in the Middle East as people fight for the FREEDOMS we take for granted here. It is frustrating to me that we just discard things when they appear to stop working instead of repairing thing. It is also frustrating that things simply aren't built to last as long as they used to.

We need to do a better job as consumers to educate ourselves. To work to reduce our footprints, to plant gardens or buy local, to buy in bulk with less packaging, to recycle and compost, to buy quality products that will last longer and take care of those thing (cars, electronics, etc.) to reduce the demand on new development of products. We need to do a better job of understanding what we are putting on or in our bodies to reduce contact with toxic substances, etc... etc... etc...

Mother Earth does the best she can to take care of our messes. We love our stuff and probably would struggle to do with out plastics, paper, shampoo, food, etc... but I guess my point here is we need to hold companies responsible for their actions, demand better options, look at the finical and ETHICAL ramifications of our actions. If we continue to blunder through and not be accountable for our action on the Earth there won't be anything left for future generations except an ugly mess like what I show in the photos.

Ok, stepping off my soap box. Take my thoughts or leave them...