The Feels, Crawling Towards the Light

Lately I've been pretty introspective.  Challenges and changes in my life have been stressing me out and I find myself sad, frustrated or over critical of myself.  

Am I doing everything I can for my kids? Am I volunteering enough, feeding them right, keeping them away from too much screen time, making sure I spend enough time with them?  Keeping them from over allocating themselves?  Am I providing a nurturing environment? Do they have enough gratitude?

Am I doing my best to move my projects forward at work?  Am I being a good mentor?  Am I doing enough outreach in my geospatial community?  Am I communicating my personal career goals to myself and my leadership?




Am I being a good partner?  Am I creating too much of a burden for my partner, friends and family?  Do I ask too much or not enough?  Am I being a good friend to the people and family that mean the most to me?

Am I managing the money I have for the right things?  Does it make sense to find a second job?  Does it make sense to turn part of my home into an income space? What do I need to do to meet my financial goals?

Am I taking care of myself?  Do I need to keep seeing a counselor to talk through things?  How broken am I today?  Am I getting enough quality sleep?  Am I getting enough exercise?  Am I staying away from the foods I know make me feel crappy?  Am I making downtime so I can rest?  Am I making time for friends and fun?  Am I doing my part to make the world a better place?  What do I want to be when I grow up (life goals)?

These are the many questions that some days make me want to go back home and crawl into bed.  But I don't... I get up and put on my best face.  I download my insecurities to my closest friends and my counselor but letting them also know I am okay because I acknowledge I do not have all the answers, and I make mistakes, and I am a bit broken but I feel good about who I am and where I am going even if sometimes I am VERY impatient with myself.

Last night I went to an Indigo Girls concert.  It was money spent I really didn't have but I wanted to take the three most important people to me (who aren't blood relations) out to do something that would lighten our loads and be fun.  The great thing about the IG is that they are wonderful story tellers, and wise women.  There were several songs they sang that talked about embracing the light.  From Prince of Darkness "I tried to make this place my place, I asked for Providence to smile upon me with his sweet face, But I'll tell you My place is of the sun and this place is of the dark (By grace, my sight grows stronger and I will not
be a pawn for the Prince of Darkness any longer)"

Another song that caught my ear was It's Alright "And for everything I learn there are two I don't understand, That's why I'm still on a search through the weather strewn church, I'm doing the best I can and it's alright, And it's alright though we worry and fuss, we can't get over the hump or get over us, It seems easier to push than to let go and trust but it's alright, When we get a little distance some things get clearer"

So I continue to wander down the path with a vision of where I want to go, but no clear idea of the steps to take to get there.  So sometimes I get jammed up pushing things along when I should really let go and trust that the small decisions along the way really will be fine.




I know I am pretty lucky (and extremely grateful) I have a wonderful family and extended family who have been with me from the start.  I have a handful of really amazing friends who get me and love me and pick me up when I feel like lying down on the ground and letting the river of life flow over me.  

This past year has made me more humble I hope, and probably not less stubborn, however more willing to ask for and receive help, and more accepting of others and the things they are fighting through (still working on that part with my ex but it helps my honey give me good perspective.)

                                                                          So I leave you with a few things I am grateful for... I am grateful for the hardships

Which reminds me of the Andy Grammer song I wish you pain "It's hard to say
But I wish you pain, I love you more than you could even know, Been here before and I just wanna see you grow"
I am grateful for a good job, a nice house, the ability to support my family and take care of us even when times feel tight.  I am grateful for the adventures we get to have together.  I am grateful to have an amazing love that is helping me grow into the person I want to become and growing with me.  I am grateful for the nature Iowa provides (despite the weather) with beautiful sunrises and sunsets, trees, stars in the night sky, and the promise of another day. So I leave you with the quote (above left) and ask you to be kind to each other, and support each other, and love, because tomorrow is another day and we can try again.

As always, thanks for reading.

MS Update - A New Ride in 2019

Well it is that time of year again.  I am registered to participate in an MS Bike ride.  I am not able to do the Iowa ride this year which is fine as it is only so exciting after so many years of doing that one.  So I signed up for a two day ride in early June only to learn that is the week I am due to close on the houses.  So third time’s a charm, I’ve signed up for a one day ride in May in Minneapolis (I hope it isn’t still snowing up there).

I have a couple of friends interested in riding with me but would love to have a few more people on our team.  The team sign up is here: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/dream_team

As you know the MS ride is important to my family as I was diagnosed in 2013/14 and these MS rides are a major fundraiser for supporting the great work of the National MS Society.  Their big push lately is supporting research for people with progressive MS like some of my friends. They are also supporting research in mylien repair which can be of direct benefit for people like myself.

I know on the surface I look like I’m doing well and getting around fine (well maybe not on weeks when I am having a flare up but thankfully those are not frequent.). I still struggle with neuropathy (tingling) in my hands a feet, brain fog and slowness as well as occasional bladder control issues.  I’ve figured out things to help me when those get overwhelming and most of the time I do pretty good (so long as I manage my stress that is).  I am actually struggling with intermittent flare ups the last five days so I've been

taking time to rest since I will be on the road seven working days starting next Monday.

Anyway the purpose of this blog is just to do a gentle ask, if you can afford to help (even the smallest donations can make a difference if many people give) to send a donation to the MS society on my behalf and support the great things they do for people like me.     http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/ShawnBlaesing2019

Thanks for the consideration.  Sending you all love.

Tough decisions and major changes

Joe and I have been together for 22 years with a lot of ups and downs.  I have been pretty private here about our time together because we’ve had good days and bad days and if I’m being honest the struggles never seemed appropriate to share here.  We’ve been through two rounds of heavy counseling together over the years as well as individual counseling but never could get to the part where we could come together enough. Through all the ups and downs of 22 years we have both changed, grown apart, become less tolerant.  


We have lived in three states (four if you count the first six weeks we spent together), working to raise two kiddos (and cats, dogs, lizard, goats and chickens), riding through the waves of different jobs good and bad.  In December the hard decision was made to dissolve our marriage. While it continues to be a painful, stressful time for our family we both agree we probably should have done this a while ago. What this means for us is separating the household into two with the kids going back and forth each week.  Moving into two new homes and saying goodbye to the acreage we all love. And most of all, depending on all the people who care for us to help us navigate the path ahead.

We are making this change amicably and with the best interest of our family in mind, and we are both determined to be better coparents than we have been partners.  So we ask of you not to pick sides as we will always be a family even if we are not sharing a home. Help us by listening to our sad stories and remind us that the sadness will lift with time, make us laugh, pull us out of the house when it's our week alone, remind us to be grateful and that we are loved.

This dissolution may not be like others as we are still in the same house as we work through the financial changes needed. We are making decisions together and trying our best to be kind and supportive to each other.  Please do not share your divorce horror stories or try to push us into choices you would make as we are taking our own path. We are going to need help moving (two times) and hope that the dust will have settled by August so we can establish our new normal.

So moving forward if you have questions ask them, we don’t want you to feel sorry for us or try to change our minds.  If you want to help or listen then check in, help us lighten the load for the kids if you are able. They are doing pretty good with all of this so far but the hard days are still ahead.  Just know we are grateful to have your support in whatever capacity you can provide.

As always thanks for reading.

Shawn and Joe

Gestures of Love Challenge

Ok, so I was sitting here wondering what another valentines day will bring... and came across this article. If anyone reads this I implore you to try out some of her ideas for the next ten days. I plan to have some fun with this... I will blog a follow up after valentine's day to let you know how I did. :)

Excerpt below By Monica Wilcox

My single girlfriend has been counting down the days until Valentine’s Day since mid-January, as if it’s a court date for a romantic misdemeanor. Now that the calendar is flashing February, she’s warped herself into a V-day panic. WHAT will she do with herself on this dreaded day? Sit alone in her condo, slurping bowls of Special K, watching reruns of Sex and the City? Huddle in a crowded bar with her single girl posse? For Anita, “love” has become a battle hymn.

Here’s the odd thing, I’m just as disgruntled with Valentine’s Day, even though I deeply love my husband of 18 years. Manufactured romance just doesn’t do it for me; like a Husky pulling the Hallmark sled, dashing to the store for some F.C.C (flowers, chocolates, and a card). Spending around $128 (men average $166 while women average $90) before my husband and I retire to a restaurant to suffer through a 90 minute wait for a small table near the kitchen. Valentine’s Day is as poorly scripted as a XXX flick.

Somewhere along the way (probably when caveman A noticed cavewoman A kept dragging flowers into their cave) we got off track in this love thing. We’ve stopped listening to the call of our hearts, beating the same song every moment of the year: love, love, love. Tell me that love, to give AND to receive, is not your life’s highest purpose? That’s the IT, the WHOLE, the ALL: just love. If you were to unabashedly love every day until the end, would that not be a life well lived? Would that be love well owned? And here is the miracle, you don’t have to have “romance” to experience love, because you’ve got loads of impressive stuff within you waiting to be loved, and if you’ve already paid homage to your own soul, there are a trillion other life forms on this planet ready to share your heart.

The Challenge

Don’t let another day pass, February or not, before you open your heart. I’m challenging you to commit to 10 gestures of love over the next 10 days; simple gestures that pack a lot of love with a minimal amount of effort. If you promise not to let a lack of a mate stop you, I’ll promise I won’t let having a long-term mate stop me. Can you imagine where this could take our spirits, our energy, and our lives if we were to really celebrate the greatest emotion we will ever share? Go ahead; let’s toss our love pebble out to see how far the rings will travel.

The Doing — Love Thyself

To hear “I LOVE YOU!” from your own heart — it took me a long time to hear that, entirely too long. To know that you are more than enough — just as you are, before the name or titles, the relationships and achievements — is one of the hardest and mightiest things we can grasp. I believe to be on this planet as a mysterious bulk of biological mass working in perfect synchronicity, is a gift of love in and of itself; a chance to experience, learn anew, feel, and sense. Consider this — I can sense the power of an ocean through the tide crashing on my purple painted toenails…sipping a fruity drink…eating chocolate. Now that’s a Valentine!

Are you squeamish at the idea of loving your own soul first and foremost? Don’t you think it’s time, (cue The Judds) don’t you think it’s time? Close your eyes, take a deep gut busting breath and speak the words “I love you.” Take another deep breath, and think these words, then think them three more times. Now sit in silence and say it not with your mind or your voice, but with your heart. There, see how sweet self love is — and it was calorie free and didn’t require a reservation. You’ve already accomplished your first gesture of love.

Now let’s get creative. Write a love letter to your soul. Spend an extra hour one morning trying a new hairstyle. Take a nap in the grass and sunshine at the city park. Plant your favorite inspirational quotes in the pockets of your summer clothes. Give yourself that romantic gesture you’ve always hoped someone else would do for you? Why wait another day to tell your soul how happy you are to BE?

The Doing — Love a Stranger

One of the greatest gestures of love is an unconditional one. Don’t let an opportunity to commit a gesture of love for a perfect stranger pass you by, especially if you can stay anonymous. Pay for the person’s order behind you at the drive-thru. Tuck a valentine under the front wiper of every car you park beside in the next two weeks. Doorbell ding your neighbors with heart shaped sugar cookies. The crazy, cool miracle of committing a gesture of kindness for a stranger is the state of giddy joy that overcomes you as you sneak away.

The Doing — Love Something

What do you love: your garden, a pet, yoga, cooking, crafting, Facebook? Commit a gesture of love by showing your gratitude to have this wonderful thing in your life and all the joy it has brought you. Fertilize those roses. Take Frisky to the dog park. Fit in an extra class. Craft a special something for another. If you love something deeply, make sure the Universe knows how much it means to you!

The Doing — Love Someone

Why do we have to be 8 to give everyone in our life a valentine? When did love become restricted to a romantic partner? Who is it that you think of often but never have time to contact? Who do you love but keep forgetting to tell? Commit a gesture in the next two weeks for every long term relationship you have: romantic or not. Mail them homemade valentines. Meet for coffee. Send a text reminding them which trait you love most about them. Leave a meaningful quote on their office desk with their favorite candy. Even better, do something kind for someone they love.

Taking up the Challenge

Go ahead, redefine Valentine’s Day. Take up the challenge with me and see if 10 days of loving gestures will change your February. What do you think happens to our soul when we focus on love? Do you think it may trigger those who receive it to embrace love themselves? Be careful, you may enjoy this so much; you’ll be spilling love right into Christmas.

Monica Wilcox
www.femmetales.com