Tough decisions and major changes

Joe and I have been together for 22 years with a lot of ups and downs.  I have been pretty private here about our time together because we’ve had good days and bad days and if I’m being honest the struggles never seemed appropriate to share here.  We’ve been through two rounds of heavy counseling together over the years as well as individual counseling but never could get to the part where we could come together enough. Through all the ups and downs of 22 years we have both changed, grown apart, become less tolerant.  


We have lived in three states (four if you count the first six weeks we spent together), working to raise two kiddos (and cats, dogs, lizard, goats and chickens), riding through the waves of different jobs good and bad.  In December the hard decision was made to dissolve our marriage. While it continues to be a painful, stressful time for our family we both agree we probably should have done this a while ago. What this means for us is separating the household into two with the kids going back and forth each week.  Moving into two new homes and saying goodbye to the acreage we all love. And most of all, depending on all the people who care for us to help us navigate the path ahead.

We are making this change amicably and with the best interest of our family in mind, and we are both determined to be better coparents than we have been partners.  So we ask of you not to pick sides as we will always be a family even if we are not sharing a home. Help us by listening to our sad stories and remind us that the sadness will lift with time, make us laugh, pull us out of the house when it's our week alone, remind us to be grateful and that we are loved.

This dissolution may not be like others as we are still in the same house as we work through the financial changes needed. We are making decisions together and trying our best to be kind and supportive to each other.  Please do not share your divorce horror stories or try to push us into choices you would make as we are taking our own path. We are going to need help moving (two times) and hope that the dust will have settled by August so we can establish our new normal.

So moving forward if you have questions ask them, we don’t want you to feel sorry for us or try to change our minds.  If you want to help or listen then check in, help us lighten the load for the kids if you are able. They are doing pretty good with all of this so far but the hard days are still ahead.  Just know we are grateful to have your support in whatever capacity you can provide.

As always thanks for reading.

Shawn and Joe

Serendipity versus The F'its

Anyone who knows me well knows my life is busy most of the time.  Filled with soccer games, scouting adventures, interspersed with busy work demands and my individual adventures.  Needless to say it can be easy to get overwhelmed and things came to a head at the end of May.  We had just had my car detailed with the intention to sell it, as it had been nothing but trouble since the day we drove it off the lot.  I was called to a last minute early morning meeting so my car and I rolled south to get there by 7am.  I had just pulled off the freeway into downtown Des Moines and was passing through an intersection when things exploded around me with airbags and crunching metal.  A woman had run a fresh red light and smashed into the driver side of my SUV.  We both walked away with totaled cars but grateful that was all.  I was delivered to my meeting just 15 minutes late thanks to the kindness of a Des Moines police officer (did I mention it was my birthday?). It worked out in the end as we ended up getting a big ol Chevy pickup truck from a Federal government auction.  Its great driving a truck again despite it being a king cab with a full sized bed... yes I am running in to a fair number of curbs but we are working things out the two of us and it is great having a a vehicle to haul stuff and seat six humans.

Walking a half ironman

The crash was three weeks before I was to race in my 3rd 1/2 Ironman triathlon (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and 13.1 mile run).  Needless to say my training was derailed after the wreck but I managed to get some shorter runs and swims in but only one trainer ride in the three weeks leading up to the race.  I had the green light to race but knew it wasn't going to be the race I had planned.  Travel for this race was part of our family vacation to Chicago and Madison with stops to see family throughout so not going was not an option.  I was realistic that this was not going to be an easy day for me and for more details you can read my race report for a day that ended up being great but not what I expected.  It was part of a string of events over the summer months that had me in a battle between serendipity and the F'its.

On the F'its side my body was fighting me.  I spent all summer rehabbing shoulder damage from the crash on a shoulder that already had issues from a decade old soccer injury.  The going was slow and my drive wasn't great.  I diligently did my exercises each week but always felt like I should have been working harder to be worthy of the time with my physical therapist.  The downside is being heavier with tighter pants than I've had in years, but I know I can fight back from that again because I have done it before.  The bright light from the shoulder injury is my PT is a friend and I enjoyed hanging out with her even if there was pain involved.

I was racing triathlons this summer with Pearl Izumi as my sponsor and 90 plus lady racing companions around the country, so my goal at the season onset was to do four triathlons (1 1/2 Ironman,

My best girl

2 Olympic distance races and one Sprint.). Needless to say my season turned into 1 1/2 Ironman, 1 Olympic race and two sprints combined with a near loss for the love of a sport I've been participating in since 2007.  I lost that competitive edge somewhere in the stream of medical appointments June through September.  I even had some fleeting thoughts about quitting triathlon for good.  The last two races, the sprints, I ended up just doing for fun and the love of sport with no expectation of PRs or age group wins.  My last race of the season I had my daughter with me cheering me on and that was worth more than any finishing awards so while my season was tough it wasn't without bright lite along the way.

Abby and Bella

Another time suck for me in the spring and summer was many a trip out to my friends farm.  Abby (our future family vet) and her friend Chloe have been raising goats to show at the county fair.  It feels like a family venture since I had to drive her there each time and nearly daily in the last couple of month leading up to the fair (between soccer practices, etc.). Fortunately these are some of my favorite people. I got to spend time visiting with my friends, play with kittens, feed the chickens and pigs, snuggle baby goats, weed the gardens and help with the harvest but most of all watching our girls grow in their experiences.  While it was a burden to get back and forth I think I got more from it than I gave most of the time.

Day one on the Island

While all of this was going on I had a series of not great visits with my doctors.  My blood work numbers were all over the place and continued to get worse through the summer along with a heaviness that ended up being depression fueled by my MS meds.  The veil lifted a bit in early August when a planned break from my MS meds started.  I was planning on a backpacking trip with my cousin to see the beauty and wilds of Isle Royale a National Park on an Island off the tip of Minnesota and Michigan in Lake Superior.  I knew I wasn't in the physical shape I'd hoped to be in by the time it came to head north.  My shoulder was stable but not healed, my pack was new and heavy, but my spirit was lighter and my need for time away in nature was huge.  The planned break from my meds ended up being nearly three months off but back on track now however that is a blog for another day.

Unseasonably warm weather the first days on the trail, followed by a major ankle blow out at the end of the first day hiking made things tough.  The next two days were cooler and increasingly wetter.  My shoulder had me ebbing on the edge of tears at times, and I needed a big stick to keep marching forward on my unsteady ankle, but you know I wouldn't have traded any of it.  It was an exercise in physical and mental toughness that had become my specialty this summer.  It didn't end up being the reset I had hoped for but it rekindled my love for backpacking, tent sleeping and enjoyment of the great outdoors with interesting people.  I hope to have years of great family and personal adventures hiking the trails and experiences in the parks of America.

My brother and I at the crash site in Clear Lake

My best guys

While my summer experiences were a balance of the F'its and serendipity, overall I am grateful for every one of them even if they were not what I expected.  I am appreciative of every day where I can push myself, learn from the good and bad, and spend time contemplating on my own as well as in good company.  I wrapped up the summer with the kids heading back to school, soccer and scouts... but also family camping (first time with all four of us ever!), geocaching adventures and great times with my folks, brother and kiddos.  Life is good, and while it has its challenges and rarely ends up the way I expect, I am grateful for every new day.  Sending my love out into the world to each of you until next we meet.

MS Update - The Invisible Enemy

Life has been roller coaster of ups and downs since my last post. We had the holidays roll through, the start of a new year, and all the other activities that fill up a week and leave me mentally begging for time in a quiet cabin with a pile of books and a yoga mat by myself. But alas the demands of life (work, kids, spouses, pets) while wonderful and things I am grateful for continue to take away from things I want to do and downtime my body needs.

The funny thing about MS is that unless your disease has progressed, to bystanders, it is hard to tell there is an invisible enemy dragging you down. The last week has been tough for me. I know I have mentioned in past posts that what I struggle with what you can't see. The bladder urgency issues that mean I can't wait until the last minute and if you see me racing towards a restroom please get out of the way. Of course the restroom in my building is closed for three days so I have a flight of stairs and an extra 50 yards to go to get to the closest one. Fortunately bladder issues come and go so I may have a few weeks or a few months between bouts.

When I am having what I call a flare up, I can also have muscle weakness on my left side. This effects my walking gait a bit and can make me a little wobbly. It also effects my hand strength and my ability to grab and hold on to things with my left hand. During a flare up I also get incredibly tired. I take an herb called MitoQ that helps with that so the flares end up being less intense and not as long but part of that makes me worry it allows me to push too hard.

I won't stop taking it though because my most frustrating unseen symptom is what I call swiss cheese brain. Yeah I'm getting older and yeah some of this supposedly comes with the territory. I guess I disagree... let me give you an example. I had three weeks of no herbs between refills as my MitoQ comes from New Zealand. I was in a meeting at work and my boss had to step out so he handed me the dry erase marker to keep writing down ideas on the white board. I was in the middle of spelling a word and completely lost the last five letters. I had to ask my coworkers for help finishing (yes I am a bad speller, no that isn't was going on here) It seems my brain is often on a five, ten or thirty second delay so patience is important if you are waiting for me to extract something.

The National MS Society has done some great videos on invisible symptoms so if you have the time and are interested in learning more check out the links below. I just wanted to give you all something to think about today. What you see on the surface doesn't always paint a clear picture of what is real. This is true for people who struggle with MS, cancer, depression or any other illness that doesn't always leave a mark on the surface. Take the time and patience to learn about what is real. As always thanks for reading... now if I could just get the kittens to let me sleep until the alarm goes off that would be super!

Here is a scientist take on MS fatigue I thought was interesting... “Fatigue is something we all have, but lassitude is related to myelin damage itself," Burks says. "The myelin’s job is to insulate the nerves so that messages get through quickly. When the myelin is damaged, the messages don’t get through as quickly. It takes more energy, and the energy that it takes can cause people with MS to get overly tired.”

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Programs-and-Services/Resources/Invisible-Symptoms-in-MS-Part-1-(video)?page=1&orderby=3&order=asc

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Programs-and-Services/Resources/Invisible-Symptoms-in-MS-Part-2-(video)?page=1&orderby=3&order=asc

http://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/multiple-sclerosis-symptoms/invisible-ms-others-cant-see-symptoms/

MS ... sometime it just sucks.

Well another busy weekend and fun trip playing hooky to Kansas City and now the body has had enough.  But before that here is a health update.  Last week I had my labs run, my first mammogram (clean), and an annual physical with my regular doctor.  I always do this around my birthday so I remember.  As it turns out my MS meds are adversely affecting my blood counts.

From my drug company's website possible side effects: "Blood problems. You may have a drop in the levels of infection-fighting blood cells, red blood cells or cells that help to form blood clots. If the drop in levels is severe, it can lessen your ability to fight infections, make you feel tired or sluggish or cause you to bruise or bleed easily."  I am feeling sluggish, bruising easily, and my white blood count has dropped to half what is was but I am still clotting ok (the new kitten has been testing that for me).  As my dad pointed out (he used to be a drug rep) that so long as the white blood cells I have work right that I can still stay healthy.  I just plan to steer clear of contagious people.

I had been having abdominal pain much of last week leading up to my appointment and with my labs being monitored already my doctor worked on the side of caution.  I spent Friday afternoon sitting in the clinic reception drinking horrible goop and waiting.  I had a CT scan with contrast and then had to wait some more to make sure I didn't need surgery for appendicitis.  It ended up being nine hours without food but I got through it and it turned out it wasn't my appendix it was a ruptured cyst on my ovary.  Apparently I have a family history of these and they resolve themselves over time but can make a person highly uncomfortable.  My doctor called my on her afternoon off to give me the results.

I have to give my primary care doctor, Dr B a big kuddos.  She is about my age and has been incredibly supportive of my health care needs for the last six years.  I asked her why she didn't press me a year ago to have MS testing and she said she likes to let people run through their course of options.  I appreciate her listening to me about my thyroid and where I feel best with my test numbers.  I appreciate that she moved her schedule around to tell me herself that I have MS and offered to be there for any questions or needs I might have related to things I might experience on this journey.  It makes me feel better to know she and her awesome nurse have my back.  You should know I struggle with mainstream medicine because I feel that MDs are traditionally trained around pharmaceuticals and symptom treatment, and do not get the training they need to look at the big picture and troubleshoot the root cause of people's issues.  I have three years of experiences with neurologist who couldn't diagnose my root problem because I passed all their tests but still had unexplained issues.  Anyway stories for another day, so it is a big deal that I appreciate my primary care physician.

So what have I been up to?  Well, Saturday morning I had an awesome time being "coach Shawn" to a group of 25 - 9 and 10 year olds learning about triathlon.  It was super fun and I plan to help out again in a few weeks.  Hopefully Abby can come with me next time as she wants to do a triathlon this summer too.  Then I raced up to Ames to watch Abby play in her last regular season soccer game.  Her team has REALLY improved over the last few weeks and I am really proud of the progress of Abby and her teammates.  They had soccer tryouts for next year and I wish each and everyone of them the best as they fragment onto new teams next year.  Most of them have been playing together since first grade.  Saturday afternoon we had our Girl Scout potluck... my sketchy narrowing in one dates left a few people confused but we had a nice time with the families that came.  The girls picked the badges they want to work on next year.  Now to spend the summer working on getting one or two helpers so I don't have to do it all myself.

My mom and husband (although he now says he isn't going to say anything to me about my scheduling) keep giving me a hard time about doing too much.  But the thing is somethings keep me going.  Like coaching these kids in triathlon, doing triathlon clinics, and most of the time leading my Girl Scout troop especially at camp.  It makes my heart sing... and while not required activities they are things I enjoy... it is the required activities that drag me down (getting the kids out the door in the morning, cleaning my piles of crap up... etc.) so keep up with the gentle reminders to slow down, but remember I need the heart sing opportunities too...

Sunday Joe and I dropped the kids off with my folks for almost a week.  On the way home we talked about running away to Kansas City to try to take in a Royals game.  Even though the weather was to be sketchy Monday night we decided to go.  It poured Monday night and Tuesday morning, but we shopped and giggled and had a lot of much needed carefree fun.  We even went and ran three miles together on a trail across from our hotel in the pouring rain.  We almost never run together and it was a fast, fun run for me and my heart sang.

I have to say though that it all caught up with me this afternoon.  After two hours in the car Sunday, four hours on Monday, six hours on Tuesday (had to go to Des Moines to pick up Joe from work) my body is saying that is enough.  So while I wanted to go pick up the free bricks to line my new as of yet unplanted garden bed, and mow the more than ankle deep front yard before going on my first triracers Ames ride of the season... my body did boycott and the only thing I managed to do this afternoon was take a quiet nap for an hour, eat the dinner Joe made for us, and write this blog (while Joe mowed the front yard and then played with the super energetic kitten) which is a major effort to type.  So I am going to head to bed and hope tomorrow leaves me with more energy so I don't have to let myself down again... and can keep up with my kids when my folks bring them back tomorrow.

I just want to say I appreciate you all.  I had several people tell me today they are impressed with how I handle this illness, and while I shed a few quiet tears today, I try to continue to be that person you all believe I am.  As always... thanks for reading.  Remember if you are willing and able... please consider a donation to my MS Bike ride next week.  I will get it done even if it takes me all morning...   Shawn's Bike MS fundraising page

Little Changes - Part Two

It's hard to beat a person who never gives up. 

~ Babe Ruth

The quote above resonated with me a couple of weeks ago so I wanted to include it.  While it may be true and I have no intentions of giving up, carrying the baseball analogy along, it is also hard to compete when you don’t know what you are up against.  At this point it is the unknowns, among other things, that have me a bit jammed up.

I think as a person dealing with a chronic potentially life changing illness… ha laughing at myself now.  My illness is clearly life changing and therein lies the problem.  On the outside, in my day to day efforts it appears as though nothing has changed in my life.  On the inside my body is conspiring against me.  A friend going through chemotherapy summed up what I am feeling in her blog.  It is like when you tap a tuning fork and then have it hum against your body, that is what it feels like in my body most of the time.  Like pins and needles without the pain.

So yes, I am still symptomatic.  Any kind of sustained motion triggers it such as a walk across the complex at work, swimming, riding my bike and especially running which drives the numbness into my back.  Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday I eagerly take my meds (2 ½ weeks in and up to the second dosage level) praying that this will stop my disease in its tracks. I know it won’t make the symptoms go away as they need to recede on their own.  Most symptoms come for a month, three months or up to a year depending on the nerve effected which is consistent with the things I experienced the last 18 months.  I am just over two months into this round and I wake up with hope that this will be the day I wake up and things are quieter in my body again.

This week got off to a good start.  I have consistently had tingles in my feet for the last couple of months but is seemed like things were finally quieting down.  However things started to go downhill on Wed and now not only am I having a flare up that sends tingles to my waist with the slightest volume of movement, my hands have also started to go numb again in my pinkie and ring finger.  It is all very frustrating.  I normally deal with adversity by just gritting my teeth and grinding through the task, but MS is a funny beast because it won’t let me just grind through. It knocks me flat if I try and forces me to idle.  Something I am NOT good at!

Keep in mind I am not conceding the war only this battle.  I am just finding that I have to slow down a bit, and keep working on getting my head right so I can stay positive and win the war.  Like I said at the beginning this, MS is an illness where so much is not understood.  No one seems to know why the meds seem to work to hold the illness at bay.  No one seems to know what causes MS, and no one seems to be able to pin point how the illness will effect one person versus another so I collect data on myself and compare notes with my MS friends and I march forward, with occasional imposed idle times (which I strongly dislike!)  I continue to have hope that the meds work, the symptoms go into remission and I can live a full life.

Stress and Burdens... a little story to share... enjoy.

This little story makes a really good point....

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and
Explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and
Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half
Full?'....she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she
Inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I
Hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it
For an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it For a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same Weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly Heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest
Before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the
Burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up Tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax,
Pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now
'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
The statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat
Them..

3 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
Maker.

4 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

5 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
Probably worth it.

6 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you
Won't have a leg to stand on.

7 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

8 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

9 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be all the
World to one person.

10 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

11 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

*Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*